Sunday, January 27, 2008

Finding My Way Back

I need to begin this with an apology. 

While my absence could be justified, the guilt I feel over my lapse in communication is palpable and embarrassing, therefor stunting my actions. Of course, the longer I wait, the more my guilt becomes a burden. Well, it's time to move beyond that and risk being banal and shallow, engaging in reportage, data and prognosis. 

A warm-up if you will.   

After escaping the surreally bonds of UCH's 6NW on the 19th of December, I was re-admitted on the 21st for fever and other unspeakable bodily irregularities. However, it seemed to me that by the time I actually was assigned a bed, I was better, but it took two days to prove it to my Dr.'s. I've had some low periods in this passage, but none have reached the level of disappointment I felt on that Friday afternoon when my clinic Dr looked me in the eye and said he was re-admitting me. I was released very late on the following Monday- and went home and slept.

So, I arrived home on the 23rd, had my kids over on Christmas eve and sent them home by 9- PM,  with Erica feeling very sick. It turned out she was having an appendicitis attack, was admitted to St Francis very early on Christmas morning for surgery. I spent Christmas day at St Francis seeing her through the recovery room. She's fine and most likely forgotten the experience by now, but it simple put the cap on 2007's medical saga. There was some poetry in my New Years Eve post, because there seemed to be medical-dramas right up to the end of the year- and all I could really think about at the time was that all were safe for the moment.

Next we travel into January and the beginning of the real challenges brought to bare by this disease; doubt, fear, anger, intolerance, envy, acceptance, release, laughter, latitude, insight. There are more, but I'm sure you get the point. If my feelings and emotions were articulated as a map, it would detail the nooks and crannies of a varied and unstable landscape. I can't deny that it's been tough and I can't deny that I've risen beyond my doubts and fears a lot of the time, especially when I've been with friends. Of course, the down side of that strategy is that MJ gets to see and deal with the brunt of my darker moments which doesn't seem fare or honest.

Moving On To The Medical 

I'm doing wonderful, according to my Dr.'s, despite all the emotional/physical ups and downs, my blood work and the engraphment of my sisters platelets are progressing wonderfully. There's a gleeful tone in my Drs. voices as they review my blood work and bone marrow pathology. So, the news is good for this time in my recovery. My combination of emotional melt downs seems to be expected by them as well, just not me - I don't accept them very well.

So, there you have it, my month in review. I'll try and break this down more as I begin to come to terms with who I might be at the end of this-- the one thing is clear- I will be different- this changes a person in profound ways physically and emotionally. So, it becomes a challenge to accept the short comings and weaknesses being exploited by the disease and its treatment. I'm not there yet, I don't know where this ends and what physical attributes return to me after the long healing process is over. It's a lesson in patience and gratitude and acceptance and trust and finding ways to forgive yourself for the weaknesses in your humanity, for giving in to fear and seeing darkness not light. 

That's the struggle at this time. Thanks for being out there, I hope I'm  not too late.